Comments on: At what point, if any, does viewing porn morph into infidelity?

By: George Parkanyi

George Parkanyi — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 00:23:46 +0000

I sometimes wonder about the long-term ramifications (pardon the pun) of those women in particular that do the porn. This stuff is all over the Internet, and it’s not going away.

They may have some awkward “’splainin’ to do” when their future fiancees, teenage sons/daughters or grandkids start going online.

I’m not sure they’ve thought this through.

By: Lex

Lex — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 13:20:17 +0000

We’ve only been practicing what we currently call “love” and “fidelity” since the 12th century or so. On the other hand, we’ve been behaving like monkeys for several million years. It’s hard to lay a cultural template over “natural” behavior. And of course, America is one of the most uptight places on the planet…from top to bottom. We fear the monkey and his business; we fear being led into temptation. We are mostly defined (broadly) by our fear.

Still, i agree that the secret is where the trouble is…though the secret is also a major factor in the level of titillation.

By: jeff watson

jeff watson — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 01:08:28 +0000

JThompson, hit the nail on the head.

Very thought provoking post.

Jeff

By: JoeyTranchina

JoeyTranchina — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 08:41:05 +0000

As in all forms of ‘infidelity,’ I refer to my house rules. The rubric I’d apply here is: “Anytime two people in a relationship are discussing problems created by a third person, they are avoiding their problem.” In this case, the ‘third person’ is a thing which is even more absurd.

By: Ann Ivins

Ann Ivins — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 01:07:12 +0000

But they’re sometimes obtuse to the effect they’re having on the guy.

*biting my tongue to avoid betraying the sisterhood*

By: Russ Wellen

Russ Wellen — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 23:42:54 +0000

“I wonder if they’re having these kinds of debates in Europe?”

No, Dr. S., they laugh at us instead.

“. . . emotional relationships with other people that betray what is owed exclusively to your partner.”

In the U.S., having a friendship with someone of the opposite sex that’s ever-so-slightly (or more) charged can start to make a guy uncomfortable vis a vis his wife.

Married women may be more comfortable conducting friendships with opposite sex. But they’re sometimes obtuse to the effect they’re having on the guy.

By: Ann Ivins

Ann Ivins — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 22:31:29 +0000

Well, J beat me to it. Not only do women watch and read porn, they write and produce it, too. And argue about what it is, and if it’s ethical, and if it’s empowering or not… Douthal is about twenty years behind in terms of his reference to feminist thought.

And J’s definition of infidelity is standard practice in the world of “unconventional” relationships, where the terms of “faithfulness” have to be determined case by case.

By: JThompson

JThompson — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 19:51:35 +0000

I’d say pornography becomes adultery when you start ignoring the needs of your spouse in favor of looking at it. That’s a strrange definition, I know, but I’ve never liked ’slippery slope’ measurements. As you go down them eventually you end up with things like “Looking at an attractive man/woman for longer than it takes to not run him/her over and knock him/her on his/her ass is .1 of an affair!” (Damn English and it’s lack of singular androgynous pronouns!)
Well, and what Bob said. When you’re hiding it, you’ve got a problem.

Oh, and women look at porn too. Probably not the same stuff we do, but they look.

By: Dr. Slammy

Dr. Slammy — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 17:24:06 +0000

I’m no expert here, but I would argue that it’s getting harder and harder to be faithful. Not that it’s harder not to engage in extracurricular sex – that’s probably about what it’s always been – but that the definition of fidelity has ramped up quite a bit. The “continuum” argument here is part of it, and to that add concepts like “emotional infidelity” – that you can cheat on your spouse or SO by having emotional relationships with other people that betray what is owed exclusively to your partner.

I wonder if they’re having these kinds of debates in Europe?

By: Bob

Bob — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 15:33:12 +0000

Sorry, just realized I didn’t really answet the questions posed:

Porn isn’t bad- secrets are bad. If porn is a secret it’s unhealthy, at leat to some degree.

The more you spend secretly, the worse it is. Anytime porn diverts your time or money away from family matters, it’s a real problem.

By: Bob

Bob — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 15:24:00 +0000

Here is my take on the problem with internet porn:

“back in the day” if I had a Playboy Magazine, I kept it hidden in my room because it was like gold to a teenage boy. That’s why it was taboo to EVER throw away porn. Why else did a kid have a four-year-old magazine? But you kept it becuase it was all you had. Access was the limiting factor.

Now it’s out there, easy to get to (believe me, I have a 13 year old son, my how the tables have turned). But not only is there access, but the content gets progressively worse. No longer contained, it’s now like the mathematical ray: it goes on forever in one direction- that being nasty. But there is no “nastiest picture on the internet” it doesn’t exist.

Unfortunately, however, the the technology does exists for young Magellans like my son to embark on quests of adventure, seeking out the limits of nasty.

I’m not saying all porn is bad, I’m just saying it’s a slippery and much steeper slope than before.

By: Ell Small

Ell Small — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 11:33:01 +0000

I do not think it is useful to condemn/demonize things by equating them with things they are not. If you want to criticize a thing do so in terms of the consequences of that thing. In this context the use of porn is like the use of alcohol; that is it can be used with no harmful consequence or it can be abused with many harmful consequences.