Dear American:

I cordially correspond today to request you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude which is most seriously important.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused urgent need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion USD. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gramm, lobbyist for UBS, who (God willing) will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a former U.S. congressional leader and the architect of the PALIN / McCain Financial Doctrine, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. As such, you can be assured that this transaction is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred. For this inconvenience you will be rewarded with grand fees of 1/1,000,000th of 1% of possible profits due to off shore laundering of skim funds due to reprinting of said funds.

Please reply with mother’s maiden name, routing and account numbers of all of your bank account, IRA, 401K, pension funds, gold and silver accounts, serial numbers of any weapons you own, and college fund accounts and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Please Respond Immediately Forthwith In Confidence.

Yours Faithfully and Sincerely,

Minister of Treasury Paulson

WordsDay will continue to address poetry, but now we’ll also be writing about fiction and creative non-fiction, as well.

We hope you enjoy it.

Which of the following statements comes closest to expressing your views about the November Presidential election?

1. I will vote for either Democrat over McCain. (285)
2. I will vote for a third party candidate if Clinton is the Democratic nominee. (56)
3. I will vote for Obama, but favor McCain over Clinton. (45)
4. I will vote for a third party candidate regardless of who the Democratic nominee is. (27)
5. I will vote for McCain over either Democrat. (15)
6. I’m not voting. (13)
7. I will vote for Clinton, but favor McCain over Obama. (8)
8. I will vote for a third party candidate if Obama is the Democratic nominee. (3)

Our new poll is now posted in the column to the right. In it, readers are asked their opinions on how the Democratic Party should handle the controversy over Florida and Michigan delegates.

S&R polls are not scientific. Boy, are they ever not scientific. Please, no wagering…

• Monday: Nota Bene - Scholars & Rogues takes you around the Web for all kinds of interesting stories you may have missed.
• Tuesday: TunesDay - A new feature. Each Tuesday S&R’s team of music lovers will present an artist or band of the week (maybe more than one), or will perhaps examine a new development in the world of tuneage, or note an important historical landmark… The possibilities are endless. Tune in for the first installment tomorrow.
• Wednesday: The Weekly Carboholic - Brian Angliss, our energy and environment writer (and one of our two Society of Environmental Journalists members), analyzes the latest enviro news, the claims and counter-claims, in an attempt to improve the signal:noise ratio surrounding one of the most critically important tasks facing our world today.
• Thursday: VerseDay - Our established poetry feature moves to a new day. Because Thursday sort of rhymes with VerseDay.
• Friday: Quotabull - Dr. Denny holds our politicians and public officials accountable in the most damning way imaginable: he prints the words they actually said.
• Saturday: Saturday Video Roundup - Cartoons, music vids and all other sorts of video art and outrage – tune into SVR every Saturday and we’ll help you get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
• Sunday: ArtSunday - Our other new feature launched yesterday with a look at some important lessons on display at the Denver Museum of Art’s new Impressionism exhibit. S&R is keenly interested in politics, sure, but we also believe that the soul isn’t nourished by politics alone. In fact, these days politics can be about as nourishing as a glass of strychnine. So tune in on Sundays and let us feed your mind and spirit with a look at some of the things that actually make life worth living.

As always, the comment box is there for a reason. Tell us and your fellow readers what you think…

1: Sam “Dr. Slammy” Smith, Independent (14)
2: Cynthia McKinney, Green (10)
- Ralph Nader, Independent (10)
4: Cris Ericson, Marijuana (3)
- Gloria LaRiva, Peace & Freedom (3)
- Other independent or 3rd party candidate (3)
7: George Phillies, Libertarian (2)
8: Brian Moore, Socialist USA (1)
- Wayne Allyn Root, Libertarian (1)

Candidates receiving zero votes:

Gene Amondson, Prohibition
Orion Karl Daley, Balanced
Charles Jay, Personal Choice

Our new poll, up now in the column to the right, asks S&R readers to identify what they see as the most important issue of the 2008 presidential election cycle.

The Invasion and Occupation of Iraq Surpasses the American Civil War in Duration: The United States’ involvement in World War I lasted only 19 months and World War II lasted 44 months for the United States, even though the war itself was nearly six years long. The occupation of Iraq (aka the Iraq War) outlasted World War II in November of 2006, making the duration of U.S. involvement in Iraq the third longest foreign occupation in U.S. history. The American Civil War lasted 48 months, and the Iraq occupation surpassed that duration on March 20, 2007. This makes the Iraq occupation the third longest running period of continuous conflict in U.S. history, behind only the Vietnam War and its sister conflict in post-Taliban Afghanistan.

The United States invaded Iraq on March 18, 2003. By the end of 2007, the United States will have been involved in Iraq for 4 years, 9 months, and 14 days. (Brian Angliss)

Al Gore Takes the Heck Over: The big deal here isn’t the movie, the Oscar, or even the Nobel. No, the real reason Al is one of the citizens of the year is because he, more than anyone, has pushed concern for the environment close to, and perhaps over, the tipping point from “librul treehugger” issue to common sense bipartisan issue. You may have noticed recently that a lot more people seem to have accepted that Green is Good. Gore doesn’t deserve all the credit, of course, but he merits a lot.

The question now is whether he’s done more good as non-President than he could have had he not lost the 2000 election 5-4.

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change Releases its Fourth Assessment Report (AR4): This year saw the release of the United Nations’ Fourth Assessment Report (AR4) of the state of the global climate since the inception of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) in 1988. Composed of the governments who make up the World Meteorological Organization (WMO) and the United Nations Environmental Programme (UNEP) and chartered “to provide the decision-makers and others interested in climate change with an objective source of information about climate change,” the IPCC has independently assessed the best available climate science for the fourth time and concluded that there is over a 90% chance that human-created greenhouse gas emissions are driving up global mean temperature.

Starting in February, the IPCC released three massive reports, Working Group I’s “The Physical Science Basis”, Working Group II’s “Impacts, Adaptation and Vulnerability”, and Working Group III’s “Mitigation of Climate Change” throughout the year. Two weeks before the start of the United Nations Climate Change Conference in Bali, the IPCC released the AR4 Synthesis Report, the final AR4 document that distills all the detailed scientific an socio-economic conclusions and analyses to create a single document that is supposed to guide the entire world’s policy planning from now until the IPCC next addresses global heating.

The net result of the four reports was a softening of the U.S. position that global heating wasn’t occurring, although the Bush Administration continues to pursue a policy of voluntary reductions in CO₂ emissions in opposition to the centralized government regulations favored by most of the rest of the U.N. In addition, the IPCC reports triggered a sudden explosion of interest by mainstream and alternative media in the United States, the world’s largest CO₂ producer. As a result, the bulk of the U.S. Presidential candidates have detailed their positions on what the U.S. should do to combat global heating, many are on record supporting or co-sponsoring anti-global heating legislation of some form, and energy and global heating policies have been taken up by the U.S. federal government repeatedly, albeit without significant action. And in lieu of federal action on global heating, multiple states have formulated their own approaches to mitigating the effects of global heating.

The scientists and policymakers involved in crafting the various IPCC reports had their work validated with the award of the Nobel Peace Prize in December. (Brian Angliss)

A Bridge Over In Troubled Waters: Thank goodness America is committed to rebuilding infrastructure in Iraq. Tragedy, sure, but your politicians are on it.

The First Nuclear Power Plant Construction Permit Since 1978 is Requested: In the late 1970s, public outcry against nuclear power, plant safety concerns, and high construction costs combined to make new nuclear power plants cost ineffective when compared to other sources of electricity, especially coal and natural gas. These concerns were proven in the public mind by the accident at Three Mile Island and then later reinforced by the Chernobyl accident. As a result, there were no new requests to the U.S. Department of Energy for new nuclear power plants since 1978 until NRG Energy of Princeton, New Jersey requested one on September 25, 2007.

Significant changes in two factors in opposition to new nuclear plant construction since the late 1970s have enabled NRG Energy to take the risk of adding two new reactors at an existing Texas plant. The first is a president friendly to nuclear power and a nuclear-friendly Republican Congress for President Bush’s first term. This resulted in the Energy Policy Act of 2005, which had significant government incentives designed to spur the development and construction of new nuclear power plants, mitigating much of the economic risk of constructing new nuclear reactors. The second is a rising number of scientists and environmentalists who have concluded that nuclear power is the lesser of evils when it comes to environmental damage vs. carbon dioxide-intensive fossil fuels like natural gas and coal. A third factor also plays a minor role in the timing of the new permit request – it’s been nearly 30 years since the last request and the public has lost some of its fear (for good or ill) of nuclear power and its risks. (Brian Angliss)

Tragedy at Virginia Tech: Horrible, unspeakable – there just aren’t words to describe it. Worst of all, I remain convinced that the toll could have been less than it was. Hopefully the tragedy got people on campuses across the country to thinking more concretely about what they can do if it happens where they work.

The iPhone: Don’t buy one until they make it available on all carrier platforms. That said, this is an innovation that’s eventually going to live up to and exceed all the hype.

The Minot to Barksdale Nuclear Express: At the end of August, the security blunder of this young century occurred when six nuclear warheads were flown from one US Air Force base in Minot, North Dakota to another in Barksdale, Louisiana. But Philip Coyle, a think tanker and former assistant secretary of defense, said, “This wasn’t just a mistake. I’ve counted, and at least 20 things had to have gone wrong for this to have occurred.”

Since Barksdale is an embarkation point for Middle East military operations, speculation inevitably arose that the nukes were intended for use in Iran. But a base commander lacks the authority to order the transport of nuclear weapons. Was the order issued by an alternate Cheney chain of command?

It’s been stated that the US military would never release data this sensitive to the public without authority from the White House. According to this line of thinking, the intent wasn’t to bomb, but, instead, to put the fear of God-Allah in Iran.

The disturbing nature of the story has only been compounded by a related Cheney chain of events. Immediately preceding and following the event, six personnel at the two bases died in apparent accidents or by suicide.

Especially unsettling was the unlikely death of a member of the Special Forces in the wild. (Dave Lindorff has been all over this.) Besides the ultimate destination of the nukes, one can’t help but wonder if the dead were whistleblowers.

Even though the US has become blanketed in secrecy, it’s still not PC to compare Bush & Co. to Nazi Germany. How about, with its all-pervasive Stasi, East Germany? (Russ Wellen)

The Jena 6: In July the NAACP buried “the N-word.” There was never racism in America again.

“Don’t tase me, bro!” High profile politician gives a public address. College students fill the building. Cast of Reno 911 hired to manage security. Hilarity ensues! It’s the feel-good hit of the summer! Starring Toby Maguire and John Kerry. (Dr. Sid Bonesparkle)

Sioux Sue for Sovereignty: In December, a Lakota (Sioux) delegation delivered a statement of “unilateral withdrawal” to the State Department. In other words, it plans to secede. Not all Lakota, just the delegation, which was led by Russell Means. He, of course, is famous for surviving the siege at Wounded Knee in 1973 and founding the American Indian Movement (AIM), as well as for his movie roles.

One can imagine the federal government’s response: “Go ahead, enjoy your little secession. Of course, we won’t be subsidizing your reservations anymore. Plus you have no chance whatsoever to change your mind about the $122 million in compensation the Supreme Court awarded you a couple of decades ago and which you refused.”

Means, however, also announced that his group planned to file liens on property in parts of South Dakota, Nebraska, North Dakota, Montana and Wyoming. “The Missouri River is ours, and so are the Black Hills,” he said.

But while Means taketh away with one hand, he giveth with the other. He invites one and all to live in the Lakota Nation, tax-free, as long as they renounce their U.S. citizenship. Don’t worry: It will issue drivers’ licenses and passports.

Once Americans get it through their heads that this isn’t a reprise of the Confederacy, many might find the idea of a nation free of taxes, as well as war, appealing. After all, like Ron Paul, Means is a libertarian, under which guise, he too has run for president.

Still, the first person with whom I shared the Lakotas’ plans for secession said, “Oh great, it’s bad enough we have to worry about the terrorists. Now, this too.”

Primal frontier fears resurface: Will the redskins return to their renegade roots and take revenge — not to mention scalps? Not likely.

But Bolivia’s president Evo Morales, as well as Venezuela are following events closely. Those Americans bent out of shape about the “NAFTA Superhighway” from Mexico to Canada may as well start worrying now about One Indigenous Continent for All. (Russ Wellen)

Arkansas Couple Welcomes Their 16th Child: “It’s a blessing from the Lord,” who apparently wants to bless the world with rampant overcrowding. It would be wrong to ask the Lord to bless these people with some counseling, wouldn’t it? (Dr. Sid Bonesparkle)

Scott McClellan on the Road to Damascus: “So I stood at the White house briefing room podium in front of the glare of the klieg lights for the better part of two weeks and publicly exonerated two of the senior-most aides in the White House: Karl Rove and Scooter Libby. There was one problem. It was not true. I had unknowingly passed along false information. And five of the highest ranking officials in the administration were involved in my doing so: Rove, Libby, the vice President, the President’s chief of staff, and the president himself.” Scotty, we’re looking forward to your book and we hope it helps put some richly deserving criminals where they belong. But there’s one little problem with your story. We knew you were lying. If you didn’t, you’re either a raging moron or a man of “tremendous faith.”

The Subprime Lending Crisis: For a few years now I’ve been watching the housing market and not fully understanding how you could have all that junk financing, spiraling housing prices, massive new construction and high used home inventory all at the same time. I mean, I’m no expert. But this year reality set in – in a big ugly way. And just when we thought we were going to be able to sell our house back in New York.

President Bush Commutes the Perjury Sentence for Scooter Libby: We learned in History of the World, Part 1 that it’s good to be da king. If you can’t be da king, we now know that next best thing is to be the guy who has evidence against da king.

Astronaut Lisa Nowak Allegedly Attacks Astronaut Colleen Shipman: Lisa, when your friends told you that you needed to “pamper” yourself, this isn’t what they meant. (Dr. Sid Bonesparkle)

Join us tomorrow for more of 2007 in review.

Credits: All items not attributed were written by Sam Smith.

Dreaming of a White Christmas in Northern Neck Regional Jail in Warsaw, Virginia

For Michael Vick
(to the tune of “White Christmas”)

I’m screaming at a white, pit bull
Each time he backs away in fear
It’s a thing I’m dreading
‘Cause I’ll be betting
My pride, money, and career

I’m screaming at a white, pit bull
It seems he doesn’t want to bite
So I’ll hang, drown, or fry him, in sight
Of the other dogs so that they’ll fight

Walking in an Insider Trading Wonderland

For Joe Nacchio (former CEO of Quest)
(to the tune of “Walking in a Winter Wonderland”)

Wall Street rings, are you listenin’
On the floor, gold is glistenin’
A beautiful sight
We’re happy tonight
Trading on insider info now

All those marks, buying from me
Don’t know Quest’s, freakin’ shaky
Buy low and sell high
Screw all other guys
Trading on insider info now

On the Jersey Shore we’ll build a mansion
And pretend it’s built with honest gains
I’ll transfer assets to my wife to show that
You can keep ill-gotten bucks if you have brains

Later on, we’ll conspire
As we sit, by the fire
It’ll keep her in furs
‘Til I get out of stir
Trading on insider info now.

Credits: both carols by JS O’Brien.

“They must be tried for war crimes.” So say ArtOfMentalWarfare.com and NIN’s Trent Reznor, in a bold attempt to attract the attention of the We Don’t Give a Shit Generation … Behold the “five best new, grassroots progressive infrastructure projects in America,” courtesy contest winners at Open Left … A slew of Matt Taibbi pieces at Rolling Stone: On Mike Huckabee, our “favorite right-wing nut job“; how Bush allowed an army of greedheads to invade the Treasury; and the “fourth-rate buffoons” running for president on the War Party–er, GOP ticket … If there’s anything good about melting glaciers, it’s the recovery of a few lost souls … Huffington Post’s Larry Womack turns the tables on breeder hypocrites in a brilliant tongue-in-cheek piece, “Patterns of Perversion” … If you loved the “Quiz” episode of BBC’s ‘The Office,’ you’ll enjoy reading this about Denver’s fiery trivia scene, which I’ve been a part of for over 10 years … For you JFK assassination buffs, former Washington Post editor & writer Jefferson Morley has a piece in Playboy that details new findings on the JFK assassination. Also, check this out, and this too, while you’re at it (warning: graphic, of course) … Don’t you love watching shady—or hell, any—religions squirm? Genometastic! … Rolling Stone scores an interview with author William Gibson, who says in the future, distinguishing the digital from the real will be “literally impossible” … “It was as if someone had poured tons of coffee and milk into the ocean, then switched on a giant blender.” Check out pix of the freak “Cappuccino Coast” yourself … Colorado Confidential does an exclusive Q&A with zillionaire and rising political star Jared Polis, who just got back from a trip to Iraq … Yay, Futurama is back! … Former world champion boxer Oscar de La Hoya has purchased the esteemed boxing magazine, The Ring, “The Bible of Boxing.” Here’s hoping the Golden Boy can keep one of the few bright things left in the world of pugilism on the up and up … While all you Blade Runner junkies are anxiously awaiting the release of the final final cut, check out this interview with BR know-it-all Paul M. Sammon, author of the Blade bible Future Noir. Then check out the Wired Q&A with Ridley Scott himself … Last but not least, our beloved Peace Gnome, Dennis Kucinich, wants a Ron Paul Day for himself on December 15. You can make it happen, people!   ∞

Jesus’ General on Victor Davis Hanson’s “greatest shame” … Chicago Sun-Times columnist Mary Mitchell: “I’m a racist? Those are fighting words” … Brad DeLong on al-Qaeda-mania … David Sirota asks aloud if the conservative economic revolt is over in the Rocky Mountain West … In semi-related news, Denver is still $1.5 million short of the Democratic convention goal … David Airey revisits the surreal art of Octavio Ocampo … SCOTUSblog: What the school cases mean for the workplace … The late Steve Gilliard’s News Blog crew carries on at a new site, The Group News Blog … Bruce Schneier: Terrorist Special Olympics in the UK? … Sen. Joe Lieberman apparently on crack, says Iran has declared war … A La Gauche on mainstream media’s poor estimation skills … Larisa Alexandrovna: Impeachment is back on the table … Black Looks recalls the obscure Kimpa Vita … A firebomb-launching blogger mellows out … Thirty percent of Americans abuse alcohol … Digby props a late blog colleague and calls attention to some other bloggers’ plights … National Security Archive finds that the oldest Freedom of Information Act request still pending was filed during the Reagan administration … Read/WriteWeb: Digg needs editors, please, they’re begging … Undercover Black Man with something shocking from Scatman Crothers … Libby post-game show: MyDD has presidential candidates’ reactions; Brad Friedman with more, plus a vintage vid of Bush 41; Andy Ostroy explains why he’s happy with the commutation … Your New Reality: The terror war knows no subtlety in definitions … Saudi prince caught up in the BAE scandal is having trouble selling his $130 million ranch … New ultrasound technique could make beer even better … and finally, some asshat in New York attacks a peacock he says was a vampire.