Just because….

Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny’s

“A TOP TEN LIST? Really? Are you fucking kidding me, Cargo? You do not appear to have the qualifications to make such a list, what with your lack of tooth gaps and, well, jeez. I mean, you? A Top Ten list? Gawd. You must be out of mate–OW!”

No.

As the American Dream™ continues to gnaw on every last bit of exposed flesh it can pick from our flailing limbs, it will no doubt, for many of us, also eat those debt-strangled, rapidly depreciating havens of dirty secrets, personal failure and indoor allergens known as parcels of real estate.

It will eventually, after a judicial process, a waiting period and probably more judicial processes, send a henchman or three to, at long last, relieve you of the burdens of homeownership and shelter.

But, come on. People in any line of work are nonetheless good, hard-working people too! They know just as well as anybody that remembers what it’s like to be employed in recent memory that work sucks and is hard, and comic relief can get us through even the toughest of times.

Accordingly, when the Evicto Man comes to summon you to your shiny new life as a spent munition in America’s War on Prosperity, here are the:

TOP TEN ADVISORIES FOR YOUR FRIENDLY FORECLOSURE EVICTION REPRESENTATIVE!

Full Story »

In an interview with the Al Jazeera news network today, legendary talk show host Larry King revealed he’s already writing a sequel to his new autobiography “My Remarkable Journey.” King said the follow-up autobiography, with the working title “If You’re Not Nauseous Yet, You Will Be,” will disclose many juicy anecdotes and surprises he couldn’t fit into his current book.

King, who’s been making the rounds to promote “My Remarkable Journey,” provided Al Jazeera with the following teasers that readers can expect to find in “If You’re Not Nauseous Yet, You Will Be”:

Geraldo Foiled Three-Way with Zahn

In 1999, over dinner at Katz’s Deli, Paula Zahn invited King and Geraldo Rivera back to her apartment for a ménage à trois, but King and Rivera’s bitter disagreement over which of them should pick up the check caused Zahn to rescind her offer and storm out.

“That really would’ve been something,” King said wistfully. “Paula Zahn, you know? Wow. The body on her. Thanks for the cock block, Geraldo.”

King added, “I hope the free pastrami was worth it, you schmuck.” Full Story »

by Rich Herschlag and Bill Staples

We knew LA was a little weird, but we really had no idea. Not even a year out there and sweet old Manuel Ramirez from the Bronx is caught taking human chorionic gonadotropin, a female fertility drug. Soon, Manny will be studying Kabbalah, eating quiche, and opening a Botox clinic in Malibu.

This wasn’t exactly juicing. Let’s call it milking. There are boobs and there are man boobs. Now there are Manny boobs. First there was Octo-mom. Now there’s Octo-Manny. This is not Manny being Manny. This is Manny being Mommy. Just in time for Mother’s Day. And this Mother’s Day, Mom got a hypodermic needle and a syringe.

This is not so much a fifty-game suspension as it is a maternity leave. Full Story »

Our friend Lee Camp is at it again:

Full Story »

by Terry Hargrove

I don’t regret any of the formal education I’ve received over the years. It’s unlikely I ever would have invented an alphabet on my own, and math has come in handy every now and then, especially the part about negative numbers. I use those a lot these days. But there are many lessons that I had to learn on my own, from the world, and that knowledge was gained through great physical and emotional pain. I know that water balloons don’t belong in church. I know that when The Dad told me to go get a switch (after I took the water balloons to church), I shouldn’t have dragged back a tree limb as a way of making a statement. Because The Dad used that tree limb to make his own statement, and at the end of the day, his statement was far more memorable. I know it’s a bad idea to try and make a pet of a goat. Poor, poor Hargoat. Let’s not go there.

The best thing about learning lessons on your own is that the world is constantly trying to teach us stuff, even when we’re slouching in the back of the room trying to sleep. Full Story »

I’m good with “carbon neutral.” No problems with “no greenhouse gases were emitted in the production of this product.” But there’s a small problem with the following image (taken by my wife at a local natural grocer). I’ll give you a hint - the chemical formula for sucrose, aka sugar, is C₁₂H₂₂O₁₁:

Full Story »

by Terry Hargrove

We recently had the Cruel Weekend here in Connecticut. The Cruel Weekend is a meteorological phenomenon that occurs every March, when the temperature flirts with 60 and everybody gets out and walks or jogs or washes the car. The forecast for tomorrow is rain and snow, but the Cruel Weekend has put spring in my mind, and once the idea of spring gets inside, there is no getting rid of it. Lord, how I want spring! Green grass, leaves, flowers, a pond I can wade into rather than walk over. And I want it all to be really slow.

The worst thing about this year’s Cruel Weekend is how I squandered it. I went to the movies! I know I should have been outside, but I’ve waited a whole year to see Watchmen fail to live up to my expectations, so I had to go on opening weekend to get the disappointment over with quickly. The extended Director’s Cut comes out in June, so I‘ll get to be disappointed all over again. When I came home, there sat Joey on the couch, looking sad.

“What’s wrong, buddy?” I asked. Full Story »

They should have built fences between themselves and Mexico when they had the chance.

by Terry Hargrove

I’m having a crisis of faith. No, not that kind. The Big Guy is still number one in my book, and I hope I’m in His… somewhere. I mean I’m losing faith in the power of literature. Am I just bitter because I can’t find a literary agent? Maybe. But I have come to believe that in a very real sense, literature fails us. A novel has a beginning, a setting, a few agreeable characters (usually not too interesting) and some bad folks (usually very interesting), an unfortunate situation that needs to be resolved in the middle, a theme and a last page. The finished product sits on a shelf nice and neat and tidy, just the way real life isn’t.

Real life is far more complicated, with too many twists and turns and unlikely coincidences. Full Story »

Rep. Spencer Bachus (R-AL) likes the fact that Barack Obama is a better listener than Dubya, but says

“Some of the men and women I work with in Congress are socialists.”

Asked to clarify his comments after the breakfast speech at the Trussville Civic Center, Bachus said 17 members of the U.S. House are socialists.

Not 16, not 18. 17.

Which raises a number of questions and concerns. Full Story »

First, just in case you haven’t seen it, please review the video (in three parts).

Full Story »

Verily, we have arrived at the end of all culture. Perhaps predictably, the culprit is technology. Or, to be a bit more specific, the culprit is Microsoft, which has now infused the art of songwriting with the same kind of magic and warmth you’ve come to expect from Excel.

Microsoft is pitching software designed for you, no musical training required. You sing the words as best you can, and its Songsmith software supplies computer-matched musical accompaniment.

Words … fail. Full Story »

Conversation at the recent dinner party thrown by conservative pundit George Will for Barack Obama may remain shrouded in secrecy. But one thing will not: the menu. And there was no shortage of food. An anonymous source leaked the detailed catered menu to The Wounded-Courier today. (Other conservative pundits in attendance included William Kristol, David Brooks, Charles Krauthammer, Larry Kudlow, Paul Gigot, Peggy Noonan, Michael Barone and Rich Lowry.) Here is what was served:

Hors d’oeuvres

Skewers of Unmitigated Gall

Fingerless Sandwiches

Record Dow Asiago-Spinach Dip

Mercury-Infused Bay Scallops with Deregulation Coulis

Chickenhawk Balls Wrapped in Old Glory Full Story »

[Please note: While the "Challenge" is based on material from MediaBloodhound's pages, we thought the experience of this annual trainwreck would be universal. - B. Jacobson, MBH]

The following are quotes and headlines culled from this past year at MediaBloodhound (keep in mind some were said or written prior to ‘08 but noted here during the year). Some are real (fact) and others are from satirical articles (fiction) posted under “The Wounded-Courier.” See if you can distinguish between the two. Once you’ve answered all the entries — but not before because multiple entries may come from the same post and checking one might give away another — you’ll find the answer key at the very bottom.

All right, news junkies and media mavens, the 2008 Fact or Fiction Challenge is on:

1) “Hey, tell Brokaw to suck it.” - Chris Matthews, following Tom Brokaw’s on-air dressing down of Matthews during MSNBC coverage of the Democratic primary race

2) “If we had a state-run media, how would it be any different?” - Democracy Now! host Amy Goodman

3) “Worse than seventeen Donna Rices sitting on Obama’s lap on a luxury yacht called ‘Monkey Business.” - Gary Hart, one-time Democratic presidential hopeful, on John Kerry’s endorsement of Barack Obama Full Story »

In an inspirational finale to the 2008-9 college football season, Jesus Christ ran for 109 yards and threw for 231 yards and two touchdowns to lead the University of Florida to a 24-14 victory over Oklahoma in the BCS “national championship” game. It capped a perfect season for the sport’s first infallible human being, who gave all the credit to His personal Lord and Savior, Himself.

The game was a dramatic one from the outset. Full Story »

During Monday’s State Department press briefing, Associated Press State Department Correspondent Matthew Lee posed the most pointed question about the conflict in Gaza and the Bush administration’s position: “What’s wrong with an immediate cease-fire that doesn’t have to be sustainable and durable if, during the pause that you get from an immediate cease-fire, something longer-term can be negotiated?” Lee didn’t tread lightly either when Deputy Secretary of State Sean McCormack failed to provide a sufficient answer and continued to challenge McCormack on the same point in Tuesday’s press briefing.

Yet a funny thing happened on the way to print: the substance of these exchanges never made it into Lee’s corresponding articles. Full Story »

George Denis Patrick Carlin was a goddamned hypocrite, and I loved him for it.

In the latter part of his long and storied life and career, the late standup comedy legend came off as a crusty, irate, disappointed, extremely cynical bastard who freely admitted he’d given up on the hopeless human race and reveled in its plentiful fuckups and contradictions.

“It’s a big club, and you ain’t in it. You and I are not in the big club. This country is finished.” - GC

Offstage though, Carlin was a kind-hearted, selfless, encouraging friend to myriad pluggers on the comedy circuit. His daughter and colleagues say he was nothing like the persona he developed in the face of advancing age and frustration with the agonizing lack of progress in the nation he loved as much as he lampooned. Full Story »

I had never heard of it before this morning, but there’s apparently a mental condition known as the “Truman Show Delusion.” People afflicted with this malady believe that they’re living in a reality show about their lives.

Two doctor/brothers, Joel and Ian Gold, have identified symptoms of a mental illness unique to our times: the Truman Show delusion, named for the 1998 movie that starred Jim Carrey as a suburbanite whose movements were filmed 24/7 and broadcast to the world. The two say a handful of individuals are convinced they are stars of an imaginary reality show. Full Story »