Archive for the 'funny' Category
 Okay, help me out here.
Last night I was watching the Men’s Moguls competition from Vancouver. Absolutely fantastic fun, lots of drama, the thrill of victory, apeshit Canadians, etc. But this particular event, probably moreso than anything this side of parkour, drives me bonkers. (No, figure skating and synchronized swimming aren’t sports. Anytime you can trigger controversy because your tutu is trimmed in fur, whatever you’re doing isn’t a sport. Period. Let’s move along.)
Here’s the problem.
What part of hurtling a zillion miles an hour down a double-black mogul field isn’t good enough for you? I mean, powder, skis, a steep mountain and a stopwatch – that sounds like a pretty good sport to me. Full Story »
Today we celebrate one of the greatest, and most improbable, moments in the history of rock.
Let’s begin with the Mnozil Brass:
 Full Story »
Dear Internet:
For lack of anything verbal or written to contribute immediately to public eDiscourse due to gross information burnout, I submit, instead:
Scrawlings!
(Click to enlarge)
Song of the Soused, 12 Jan 2010 Full Story »
 One Sunday night last year, I decided to try my hand at some of the math I didn’t understand when I was a high school student. Right away, I came face to face with a long-forgotten nightmare called the distributive property. If I read it correctly, the distributive property says that an expression such as 4 x (2 + 3) is equal to 4 x 2 + 4 x 3. Wondering if such an insight would ever prove beneficial to me, and deciding that it would not, I left the math book on the table and went to watch some television. But my timing was bad. Nancy had the remote control, and despite the pitiful stares I cast toward her, she wouldn‘t share it.“What are you watching?” I asked. “Because the Patriots are about to play the Cowboys and they’re both undefeated.” Full Story »
 In Episode 4 of Better off Ted (a fantastic show that you really need to tune into now before it, like so many other shows that make the mistake of being intelligent, gets axed), Veridian Dynamics encounters a small problem. It has installed new motion sensors in the building that turn the lights on and off as employees enter and leave the room. They already had a sensor system, but this one is better, somehow. The official ABC synopsis sets the stage:
Meanwhile, Lem and Phil have their usual morning quarrel, this time over coffee and microscopic organisms. (Trust us, folks—it’s hardly as sexy as it sounds.) When Phil leaves to get a cup of joe, everything in the lab suddenly shuts off. Lem is confounded by this, even more so when everything springs back to life upon Phil’s return. Full Story »
Nothing good is going to come of this.
Flight 253 passenger: Sharp-dressed man aided terror suspect Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab onto plane without passport
(MLive.com exclusive)
By Sheena Harrison | MLive.com
December 26, 2009, 2:22PM
According to witnesses, the suspect had a long beard and was driving a red 1937 Chevrolet coupe. Police forensic artists have released the following sketch: Full Story »
by Ronan
‘Twas the night before Christmas and out in the kitchen, mom’s cooking something, and man, it smells bitchin’.
The stockings are hung by the chimney with care. Mine’s full of jerky treats – I can smell them from here.
Dad’s drinking egg nog, all spicy and sweet. A couple more cups and he’ll be out on his feet.
When out in the yard we heard such a racket. I started barking and Dad grabbed his jacket. Full Story »
Happy Final Big Shopping Day Before Xmus.
Our friend Lee Camp lays the nard-stomp on American culture, and we’re okay with it.
 Full Story »
I love dogs and I love football, so 2007 was painful for me. But the thing that snaps my string beans more than the accusations against a certain professional quarterback, whose comeback is amounting to little, are the statements by a celebrity/cushion, who said dog fighting was a thing that happened all the time in the south. I found that statement puzzling. I lived in Tennessee for 49 years, and was never invited to a dog fight, never heard about a dog fight, and certainly didn’t know there was money to be made at a dog fight. Besides, we all knew that for sheer entertainment, a cat fight was the show of choice. Full Story »
Our friend Lee Camp asks the hard questions.
 Full Story »
What. The. Fuck.
When it comes to managing money, some people have lawyers, some have accountants, and some have financial advisors. Me? I have a money fairy.
The money fairy came to me in 1986. I was at a yard sale in Tennessee, and stumbled upon a plastic egg that was marked at $5. That seemed a little stiff, but when I shook it, something rattled inside (an original Constitution maybe?) so I gave the seller five dollars, and she gladly handed over the egg, then took off at a flat sprint. Later that day, when I finally got the egg open, the money fairy came out. Full Story »
On October 31, 1989, I was teaching my 8th-grade reading class a good and simple lesson.
“In your writing, try to avoid absolutes,” I said. “Don’t use words such as always, never, and impossible. It’s much better to say something is highly improbable.” Then I sat back, smiled, and let the wisdom I had imparted settle upon their impressionable minds.
“But some things are impossible,” said Dan, who hadn’t said anything else all year. I was prepared for this. Full Story »
The summer I turned 16, I decided to reinvent myself. I was going to be a baseball player. My girlfriend thought that was a great idea, even though I would have to practice on the other side of town for four nights a week, then play for two nights. So, with her encouragement, I committed myself to baseball.
Now, any normal person could glance at me and see that I was a guy destined to play football. I looked like a football player, talked like one, and ran into things with a violence that suggested a natural linebacker. But I didn’t like football that much. Truth be told, I was just clumsy and always late. Hitting other people was OK, but getting hit by other people hurt. A lot. I was too cerebral for football, so I went to the Babe Ruth Baseball League tryouts for boys aged 13-16, and was drafted by the Elks Lodge, Post 1776. Full Story »
 You know how every once in awhile somebody will plow a car into a crowd of people? I think I now understand why.
Every Sunday morning we go to brunch in Denver. There are lots of great spots and we sort of rotate between them. Today we were going to see if we could get into the new Snooze location at Colorado & 7th. We’ve tried a couple of times before, but with no luck. See, the way Sunday brunch works most places in Denver is that things don’t start to pack up until 9:30 or 10:00. If you’re there before then the wait won’t be too bad.
Except for Snooze. Full Story »
by Rich Herschlag
I want to keep the health insurance I have—which is no health insurance. I was dropped when I had a heart attack. My insurance company called it a preexisting condition, and they were right. Heart attacks have been around a very long time. The important thing is that I treasure my insurance company’s free market right to maximize profits at all moral and ethical costs. I would willingly die defending that right. And now, finally, I may get that chance. Full Story »
You know who you are.
And… Full Story »
I graduated from college in August, 1981 and took a job as an English teacher/assistant football coach at a junior high school in Columbia, Tennessee. You may ask why an English teacher would think he could coach football? I had a plan. I was a fairly decent high school football player in the early 70s, First Team, All Mid-state, a three year letterman, a genuine football fanatic. So, using another English major football coach (Joe Paterno) as my inspiration, I boldly took my place along the sidelines. True, as a player I tended to be more cerebral than reactive. Many times my high school coach would stare at me when I asked to deploy my famous symbolic blitz or offered to confuse the opposing quarterback with a barrage of metaphor. Coach Crabtree just didn’t understand. Full Story »
Now don’t get me wrong, I like Obama and think his best days are still to come. But his administration has so far been a strange collection of backtracks, waverings, retreats, retreads, flip-flops, cricket chirps and sellouts, with a few successes here and there.
Friend of mine saw a link somewhere that wondered what it would be like if Team Obama applied its logic on health care to other progressive battles in history. He lost the exact link, which I don’t have either, so I hope my list below isn’t copycatting someone else too closely (email or comment if so, esp. if you have the link in question).
Anyway, here are a few headlines from history, if Obama logic was at work… Full Story »
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