If you recall, Bocephus is out at MNF, thanks to a joke that ESPN deemed over the line. But somebody has to sing an annoying, poorly customized intro before each game, right? Who, though?

I have an idea.

Lately Mitt Romney, Man of the People^® has been touring the country, connecting with the Common Man. He’s connected with Northern auto workers, with the black folk, with NASCAR fans, with hillbillies, and just yesterday, he made important inroads with America’s football fans. Full story »

I have to ask – what mathematical ignoramus came up with the term “partial zero emission vehicle?” Partial means a fraction, and you can’t divide zero by anything without getting zero again. Divide zero in half? You get… zero. How about 10% of zero? Yup, still zero. Divide zero by a million and – it’s a shocker, I know – you still get zero. Divide zero by any number you can think of except zero*, and the answer is zero.

I get that the “Partial Zero Emission Vehicle” is a class of low emission vehicles defined by the state of California. I get that. But that just makes this even scarier. Full story »

On Feb. 10, Wufnik posted an analysis entitled “Surrounded by people ‘educated far beyond their capacity to undertake analytical thought.’” I followed up four days later with “Why America has more education and less to show for it than ever before.” The thrust of these posts was that Americans today have more schooling, but at the same time have lost the ability to think critically. More data, less wisdom.

Then, on Friday, I did an article entitled “Target to require retinal scans and DNA samples of all in-store customers.” As is customary around here, we submitted this piece to a few social networks and news aggregators. If you surf the Diggs and Reddits and Currents and StumbleUpons of the online world, you know to come armed with low expectations for community aptitude. Still, some of these folks are thicker than others. Full story »

At a campaign stop in Mississippi, Mitt Romney declared hisself an “unofficial Southerner.”

After accepting Mississippi Gov. Phil Bryant’s endorsement, Romney turned his attention to his bodyguard, Garrett Jackson — a Mississippi native — whom he credits for his transformation into an “unofficial Southerner.”

“He is now turning me into an, I don’t know, an unofficial Southerner,” Romney said. “And I’m learning to say ‘y’all’ and I like grits. Strange things are happening to me.”

Romney aides then tackled the GOP frontrunner, Full story »

by Luke Powers

I’ve realized that politics is really about family relationships. We don’t vote on ideology or issues but on retyping the politician as a family member. Some people want a Big Father (Reagan), Dumbass Brother (W) or horndog cousin (Clinton, er Bill).

The current race for the GOP presidential nomination has been dispiriting, the way our families often are.

We have ROMNEY, the Hardass Dad who made you mow the lawn every week and only paid you $2 an hour to teach you the value of hard work. Full story »

This is the third and final post in my series on America post-apocalypse.

This week a Wyoming representative introduced a bill to prepare Wyoming for the coming apocalypse. Seems like everyone thinks the apocalypse is right around the corner. There are survivalist magazines, books and TV shows. Indeed, bookstores have entire sections devoted to books about the end of times—fiction and non-fiction. In Dallas, bulk food stores have discovered a whole new market segment of people filling their basements with 50 lb. sacks of flour and enormous cans of baked beans.

It’s the one topic on which both far left and far right agree, although they are not together on the reasons.

Full story »

Southern Indiana, 5:30 a.m.

My wife and I each schedule one drill per month, and do not tell each other when it will be. On this cold, February morning, the alarm goes off and she sits straight up in bed, confused.

“It’s time,” I say, “Plan B. Go.” Full story »

Pity, that. This one may be far more apt.

Full story »

Oh, the horror…. Full story »

On Friday, in a move aimed at solidifying his American-made bona fides in the heart of domestic auto manufacturing country, GOP candidate Mitt Romney told a crowd that his wife “drives a couple of Cadillacs.” Yep, here’s a man with his finger on the pulse of the working class.

Earlier today, EveryMitt struck again – this time south of the Mason-Dixon Line.

Romney: I have friends who own NASCAR teams Full story »

Recently, a left-wing colleague described his vision of where America is headed over the next forty years–breakdown of government, mass starvation, roving bands of marauders, etc. It’s interesting that this is exactly the same vision shared by those on the far right who star in the new TV show Doomsday Preppers, about people who are stockpiling cases of beans in their suburban basements, while asking themselves, “What load would Jesus shoot?” Maybe the visions of both left and right are so similar because that future has been portrayed so many times in movies.

Of course, we could end up like that. But we probably won’t.

Full story »

“Damn, Sam – that looks like it hurts.” 

On January 8, 1998, while playing basketball at my club, I made a beautiful back door cut, took a nice pass, and came to a two-footed jump stop in preparation for an uncontested layup. Last I checked, the man guarding me was still standing at the foul line looking for his athletic support gear.

When I planted, though, something went very, very wrong. My left knee executed a hard sideways shiver that exceeded standard design specifications, and I went to floor screaming. Stayed there screaming for quite a while, in fact. Like a little girl, only louder. Full story »

“I will be with you on your wedding-night.” – Frankenstein’s Monster

Well, it looks like Romney has caught up with Santorum in one way.

The website www.spreadingromney.com is working to introduce a new word into the language. Just as Santorum in now best known as the frothy fecal matter accompanying anal sex (or something like that), this group is now proposing the following definition:

romney (rom-ney) v.1. To defecate in terror.

One part of me hopes this doesn’t take (the part that predicted Romney would win the nomination. The other part doesn’t give a santorum.) It’s hard to feel sorry for Romney, even though we have a mutual friend who swears he’s a great guy and would make a great president, because he deserves some punishment for the deliberate distortions and outright fibs he’s told trying to cozy up to the Base. But today the AG of Ohio switched his endorsement from Romney to Santorum, which could be nothing or it could be the first rat running down the hawser. Full story »

This has been the most interesting, and by interesting I mean hilarious, presidential election I’ve ever experienced. See the tears? I must be laughing really hard. It seems meaningless to criticize the Republican candidates, since they’re doing such a great job on each other. The primary season is doing its work: eventually, we will hate them all.

Romney is in trouble. He is assuming that, eventually, the base will rally to him, but he misses the point. If you want to defeat an incumbent, you don’t need supporters to rally. The bingo club rallies. They have to flock to Mitt, and if they don’t, he’s flucked. Santorum? Really? That would look good on a bumper sticker. If you are part of that over 60, undo-your-pants-on Thanksgiving demographic, then he’s your guy. Ron Paul has the young Republicans, all 43 of them, and he’s the only one I’ve given serious consideration to. I like Ron Paul. Sometimes. But when I don’t like him, I really don’t like him. And then there’s Newt, the man with a plan for a moon base.

Newt Rogers of the 25th Century. Full story »