Ex-Pedophile Shares Tips On How To Make Your Kids Less Attractive

God Bless America!

Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar

We’re not sure who wrote this, but we sure do respect their courage in standing up to the Red Menace. Please print out the following, sign it, and return it to us as soon as possible:

I, ________________________, do solemnly swear to uphold the principles of a socialism-free society and heretofore pledge my word that I shall strictly adhere to the following:

I will complain about the destruction of 1st Amendment Rights in this country, while I am duly being allowed to exercise my 1st Amendment Rights.

I will complain about the destruction of my 2nd Amendment Rights in this country, while I am duly being allowed to exercise my 2nd Amendment rights by legally but brazenly brandishing unconcealed firearms in public. Full Story »

Now don’t get me wrong, I like Obama and think his best days are still to come. But his administration has so far been a strange collection of backtracks, waverings, retreats, retreads, flip-flops, cricket chirps and sellouts, with a few successes here and there.

Friend of mine saw a link somewhere that wondered what it would be like if Team Obama applied its logic on health care to other progressive battles in history. He lost the exact link, which I don’t have either, so I hope my list below isn’t copycatting someone else too closely (email or comment if so, esp. if you have the link in question).

Anyway, here are a few headlines from history, if Obama logic was at work… Full Story »

So the Rev. Joseph Lowery is among the many fine individuals newly awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for 2009.

The good reverend has had a long and storied career, with a recent highlight being his poetic excoriation of the Bush administration with President George W. Bush himself sitting behind Lowery as he spoke at Coretta Scott King’s memorial service in 2006.

What will the loquacious Lowery say at his Freedom Medal acceptance speech?

I can imagine it’ll go something like this: Full Story »

Just because….

In an interview with the Al Jazeera news network today, legendary talk show host Larry King revealed he’s already writing a sequel to his new autobiography “My Remarkable Journey.” King said the follow-up autobiography, with the working title “If You’re Not Nauseous Yet, You Will Be,” will disclose many juicy anecdotes and surprises he couldn’t fit into his current book.

King, who’s been making the rounds to promote “My Remarkable Journey,” provided Al Jazeera with the following teasers that readers can expect to find in “If You’re Not Nauseous Yet, You Will Be”:

Geraldo Foiled Three-Way with Zahn

In 1999, over dinner at Katz’s Deli, Paula Zahn invited King and Geraldo Rivera back to her apartment for a ménage à trois, but King and Rivera’s bitter disagreement over which of them should pick up the check caused Zahn to rescind her offer and storm out.

“That really would’ve been something,” King said wistfully. “Paula Zahn, you know? Wow. The body on her. Thanks for the cock block, Geraldo.”

King added, “I hope the free pastrami was worth it, you schmuck.” Full Story »

Yup.

By J. Pratt Vulpes

Imagine a world where children are raised to become agents of change throughout their work and lives, not docile employees, consumers, and followers.  One in which corporate personhood has been displaced, and human needs and the environment take precedence over the unlimited quest to maximize profits.  A world where every citizen feels confident speaking out and organizing to advance a shared vision of justice.

Imagine that, in this world, health care for all prevails, with no place for insurance company intermediaries or pharmaceutical ad campaigns.  Elections are publicly funded and verifiable, and politicians are responsive to the people, not to corporate lobbyists and wealthy donors.  Openness is prized, and intellectual property restrictions, proprietary software, and closed ways of doing business have fallen from favor.

Imagine people no longer stirred by religious leaders to restrict the role of women, reject science, and hate or invade their neighbors.  People boldly charting their own courses in life according to their values and sense of authenticity, rather than following standard routes laid down by others.  People living without fear of scarcity or distrust of difference, confident that together their diverse abilities are ample to meet all their needs.

For ten decades, the industry I now have the privilege of representing has worked tenaciously to protect you from this nightmare scenario.  Full Story »

Conversation at the recent dinner party thrown by conservative pundit George Will for Barack Obama may remain shrouded in secrecy. But one thing will not: the menu. And there was no shortage of food. An anonymous source leaked the detailed catered menu to The Wounded-Courier today. (Other conservative pundits in attendance included William Kristol, David Brooks, Charles Krauthammer, Larry Kudlow, Paul Gigot, Peggy Noonan, Michael Barone and Rich Lowry.) Here is what was served:

Hors d’oeuvres

Skewers of Unmitigated Gall

Fingerless Sandwiches

Record Dow Asiago-Spinach Dip

Mercury-Infused Bay Scallops with Deregulation Coulis

Chickenhawk Balls Wrapped in Old Glory Full Story »

[Please note: While the "Challenge" is based on material from MediaBloodhound's pages, we thought the experience of this annual trainwreck would be universal. - B. Jacobson, MBH]

The following are quotes and headlines culled from this past year at MediaBloodhound (keep in mind some were said or written prior to ‘08 but noted here during the year). Some are real (fact) and others are from satirical articles (fiction) posted under “The Wounded-Courier.” See if you can distinguish between the two. Once you’ve answered all the entries — but not before because multiple entries may come from the same post and checking one might give away another — you’ll find the answer key at the very bottom.

All right, news junkies and media mavens, the 2008 Fact or Fiction Challenge is on:

1) “Hey, tell Brokaw to suck it.” – Chris Matthews, following Tom Brokaw’s on-air dressing down of Matthews during MSNBC coverage of the Democratic primary race

2) “If we had a state-run media, how would it be any different?” – Democracy Now! host Amy Goodman

3) “Worse than seventeen Donna Rices sitting on Obama’s lap on a luxury yacht called ‘Monkey Business.” – Gary Hart, one-time Democratic presidential hopeful, on John Kerry’s endorsement of Barack Obama Full Story »

George Denis Patrick Carlin was a goddamned hypocrite, and I loved him for it.

In the latter part of his long and storied life and career, the late standup comedy legend came off as a crusty, irate, disappointed, extremely cynical bastard who freely admitted he’d given up on the hopeless human race and reveled in its plentiful fuckups and contradictions.

“It’s a big club, and you ain’t in it. You and I are not in the big club. This country is finished.” – GC

Offstage though, Carlin was a kind-hearted, selfless, encouraging friend to myriad pluggers on the comedy circuit. His daughter and colleagues say he was nothing like the persona he developed in the face of advancing age and frustration with the agonizing lack of progress in the nation he loved as much as he lampooned. Full Story »

by Rick Herschlag

The porn bubble has burst. What for decades had been a growth industry has now gone limp. Popped a rod. Deflating as it may seem, millions of us saw it coming.

You know the next part like a bad movie. There will be a bailout involving obscene amounts of money. But we really have no choice. That is to say, it’s a compulsion. The prospect of losing thousands of part-time, under-the-table jobs in the San Fernando Valley is a frightening one. According to one expert, hundreds of idle garages in Burbank, Glenside, and Canoga Park could bring the entire economy of Los Angeles County to its knees. Full Story »

After days of leaks coming from the Obama transition team, the President-elect has reportedly decided to go the path of least resistance, embracing the enlarged prostate flow of chatter with the new cabinet position of Leakmaster General.

Former Clinton administration officials involved in the transition, who declined to give their names because “that would kind of spoil a leak,” say the Leakmaster General’s duties will be to deliver all leaks, however nonsensical, through a central command — the Office of Leaks, Gossip and Utter Horseshit (OLGUH).

Other Clinton administration officials close to the transition efforts say that Obama has chosen Lanny Davis, former special counsel to President Clinton and longtime Hillary loyalist, to fill this new cabinet position. Reached for comment, Davis declined to confirm the leak. A few minutes later, however, he called back from another number, disguised his voice, gave his name as “Gustav Demetri Jones Jr. III,” and said, “If Lanny Davis wants this position, it’s his for the taking.” Full Story »

As the majority of Americans continue to bask in the glow of Barack Obama’s landslide victory on Tuesday, comedians nationwide have suddenly fallen on hard times. Some literally.

Widespread reports of comics leaping from windows on Election Night have received little attention in the press. Some historians liken the turn of events to the stock market crash of 1929. But Freddy Roman, Dean of the legendary New York Friar’s Club, called it “worse, much worse, mayo on corn beef bad.”

The Daily Show host Jon Stewart put a good face on it during Comedy Central’s election night coverage. Yet sources at the show say Stewart retreated to his office afterward and “went, like, totally ballistic.”

“We had Grandpa Cranky McCrazyPants and Sarah f**king Palin! Now we’re stuck with Obama! There’s nothing funny about him! It’s like cracking jokes about Lincoln following his Gettysburg Address! F**k me twice with a motherf**king hope stick, people!” Stewart cried amid the sound of breaking glass, a shrieking cat and overturned furniture. Full Story »

So some Hollywood insiders are sick of the decidedly liberal MSNBC, according to a report. One “liberal Democrat” actually said at a Beverly Hills luncheon “that she would prefer a lunch date with right-leaning Fox News star Sean Hannity over left-leaning MSNBC star Keith Olbermann.” Egad. I wouldn’t eat lunch with Sean Hannity unless it involved dining on his freshly-excised heart in front of him, though given its smallness I doubt it would make much of a meal.

But this woman’s not alone, apparently. A very liberal friend of mine hates Olbermann too, saying “he’s too brash,” while another colleague has grown tired of the pontificating. I’m seeing the complaints piling up in the lefty blogosphere.

There’s been a backlash against Olby steadily brewing and it’s hard to argue that he hasn’t brought it on himself Full Story »

Trailing in both national and state polls with Election Day drawing near, John McCain’s campaign announced this morning that legendary prop-comic Gallagher — famed for smashing produce, especially watermelons, with a sledgehammer — will take over strategy and messaging from Karl Rove disciple Steve Schmidt. It’s a major shakeup in a campaign already known for embracing the unconventional.

On MSNBC’s Morning Joe today, McCain campaign manager Rick Davis told Joe Scarborough, “We’ve done pretty well pulling a new rabbit out of the hat every day. But Gallagher is the godfather of prop comedy, a master of the random tactic. Who better to keep Barack Obama off balance?” Full Story »

Tactic: Dress a small band of Alaskan National Guard troops in Russian military attire and stage an invasion of the Alaskan border, sending the rest of Alaskan National Guard troops, on Palin’s orders, to successfully capture or kill the “Russian invaders.”

Strategy: Ends questions about Palin’s national security credentials.
—-
Tactic: In addition to claiming McCain invented the Blackberry, assert that he also invented the wheel, sliced bread, fire, the missionary position, whiskey, apple pie, sliders, cleavage, Beanie Babies, oxygen, blow jobs, sunlight, bikinis, pasteurization, nuggies, the handshake, ice cream, poll dancing, Penicillin, the wave, hot dogs, the Theory of Relativity, beer nuts, New Journalism, indoor plumbing, low-rise jeans, Method Acting, rap, Twister, funnel cake, the printing press, soft pretzels, the phrase “dude,” the color blue, moving pictures, “bringing sexy back,” nougat, and baseball.

Strategy: Highlights McCain’s superior record of accomplishment. Bonus: no time left in the campaign season for media to fact-check effectively. Full Story »

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